An honest reflection on my imposter syndrome and how I overcame this challenge

Sifu ngarubini,gudnait tru and warm summer greetings to you if you are reading this.

I am so glad it is summer and I can wear a t-shirt and enjoy the warmth outside. But before I can talk more about the pleasant weather, I just wanted to share my experience on imposter syndrome and highlight key things that I have learned from this challenge and how I navigated this with the help and support from people around me.

When I signed up for graduate school, I knew I had signed up to a lot of life’s challenges. While I was mentally prepared for challenges, I was physically and emotionally vulnerable to this experience.

Many people may have different experiences about imposter syndrome and their stories about how they have managed the effects may differ. Imposter syndrome can impact well being and mental health if not addressed properly. It can also lead to lower self-esteem, feeling of failure and unworthiness.

Well I felt out of place at some point. I was unhappy. I struggled with feelings of anxiety and depression. I had self-doubt. I thought I was not not smart enough to master a course. To be honest, I felt less satisfied and before I realise this problematic belief and unhelpful thinking pattern had emerged into so much negativity.

It felt like I struggled with motivation to complete an assignment. It was obvious there was no inspiration. I felt useless and pressured to complete the number of tasks I had before me.

I knew I couldn’t do this anymore. I needed to seek a higher intervention because I became so weak. I knew this had become a huge burden.

Then one Sunday I went to church. I told myself I would take a break from looking at my computer and just take some time off to pray and also ask my church family to pray that I find the courage and strength to complete all my tasks.

I encountered a fresh inspiration that Sunday. Pastor Blake at the Faith Community Church drew symbols of light and salt when he explained the word of God from Matthew 5: 13-16.

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot. You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl, instead they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven.” – Matthew 5:13-16

I was so excited to visit my school work and make some progress.

I also expressed my gratitude to friends at the church about this encounter.

Speaking to others about imposter syndrome and hearing honest and positive feedback helped me to believe in my abilities. I am grateful and very appreciative of individuals and families who have shown amazing love, kindness and compassion. Their act of caring showed that no matter how undervalued I felt, Jesus is enough.

I knew I was not alone. I tried to keep in mind that I was trying to do a good job in the context of a really challenging circumstance.

Even though I was physically weak sometimes and felt like giving up on my effort, I never hated the idea of walking to school. There was something special about walking to the campus. It helped me to connect with the environment and sing my favourite gospel song by New Breed, ” Wantem Bilip” as a form of voicing my faith and concerns to God.

I continued to ask my church family to pray specifically about this. Even up to my last major paper. I couldn’t believe that I was at peace when I hit the upload button on Canvas.

At the end, I received a positive feedback from the result which was quite surprising yet encouraging.

I have learned to have compassion for myself and to never be too hard on myself.

Overall, this experience had a transformational impact on my spiritual growth and self-awareness. It opened my eyes to the possibilities of pursuing a deeper relationship with God.

So whenever you come to feel like you are not smart enough, fuelled party by self-doubt and fear of failure, remember Jesus is enough and there is a higher love. Tell yourself God is bigger that whatever that is stressing me out.

Never be afraid to ask for help and remember to find your joy and bring that back to your work.